Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

As helpers not as ingredients.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

this is called 'stating the obvious'

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Jay walkers = people who walk in the roadway. Rather draconian punishment.

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

not in a prison? This is an unintended pun. case in court / case for containing a violin.

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

pretty severe anatomical problem

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

No accounting for tastes!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Hope the vet's partner doesn't mind.

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

No, not the remains of a picnic. Political left-wingers were talking and not saying anything very definite.

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Presumably this was supposed to mean that the teachers were on strike, thus causing children to be idle.

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Trees make very good detectives.

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

well there never was much truth, was there?

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

if all else fails

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Well, yes indeed. Any plane that crashes is too close to the ground.

War Dims Hope for Peace

Can't think of anything less likely to give one expectations of peace.

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

It goes without saying.

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

homicide [US] = murder [UK] . If s.o. is slain , they are killed.

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

to belt up = put your seat belt on. But to belt s.o. - beat s.o.

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

not physically, we hope.

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Uranus [planet] sounds like 'your anus'

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

You can be sentenced twice but can't die twice

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

what else?!

Deer Kill 17,000

7,000 deer culled, makes better sense. Deer are not man-eaters.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Hope it is strong enough!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Really? Most people in a cemetary are dead anyway

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Actually means he was later charged with assaulting s.o.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

presumably the group should be more numerous.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

presumably he did not connect the supply properly. Sounds as if he farted.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

But one really should not eat children.

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.

Not much use soliciting people who are dead!

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

It would be a draconian punishment.

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

This should read 'may stop rabies spreading' As it is, it sounds as if the vaccine is infected.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

They are sued by 7 doctors; the doctors are not 7 foot tall.

Eye drops off shelf

"Eye drops" are sometimes called artificial tears. They are used for moistening dry eyes. This means you can get them "off the shelf," in other words without a prescription. The way it is written, it sounds like an eye dropped off of a shelf.

 Squad helps dog bite victim

The squad did not help the dog bite the victim. They helped the victim who had been bitten by the dog. Perhaps it should be "dog-bite victim."

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Dealers will hear a talk about cars ("a car talk")

 Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Farmer with ax injured by an enraged cow (the cow was not wielding the ax)

Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Don't be afraid to visit Mexican lawmen. This should be: Lawmen from Mexico are guests at a barbecue (i.e., barbecue guests).

 Miners refuse to work after death

I probably wouldn't work after I died either, but this is supposed to convey the meaning that there was a death in the mines and the miners then refused to return to work out of fear for their safety.

 Two Soviet ships collide - one dies

Neither ship died. As a result of the collision, one seaman died.

 Two sisters reunited after eighteen years at checkout counter

 The sisters were not waiting for each other at the checkout counter for 18 years. They happened to be at the same checkout counter and were reunited after an 18 year separation. Should read, "Sisters reunited at checkout counter after 18 years (or 18 year separation)."